My Life As A Middle Child - Putting Together The Pieces

My Greatest Achievement...

has become my biggest failure

I haven’t been around lately as I have had a lot of things happening, well, at least one big thing. I have started this post in my head many times, but have never actually typed it out as I keep hoping that things will change.

My greatest achievement was the day my son was born. This was the most special day in my life and I have treasured being a “Mom” to my son for the past 17 years. However, I have now found out that I have actually failed at being a parent and am apparently not the great mom that I thought I was.

On Wednesday, November 16th, I found out that my son had skipped school for the past 2 days and work for the past 4 days. When he arrived home that night from “work”, I confronted him with this information. He didn’t have any answers as to why other than, “I don’t know”. When I kept pushing him as this was not acceptable, he told me that he hated this house and everything here, including me. Yes, my son, the person that I love the most in the world and would give my life to protect told me that he actually hated me. He said he hated it all and wanted to move. I told him that I was really sick of hearing him tell me that he wanted to move and that if he was really that unhappy and wanted to move, that I would help him pack and take him to his Dad’s on Saturday. He continued to be rude and throw a fit. I then said forget it and why wait, that I would take him out to his Dad’s that night. To prove our point, we took his car and house key from him. What we didn’t know was that he had made another key to the car. He walked Doodlebug’s mom out and then hopped in his car and took off. I didn’t see him again until Friday, Nov 18th when I was driving back to the office from a client appt and saw him pulled over on the side of the road by a police officer (failure to wear a seat belt). Needless to say, I doubled back and pulled over as well. We hugged on the side of the road and agreed to eat lunch together. We talked but really didn’t talk. He didn’t know what his problems were, but needed some time to get his thoughts together and figure out what he wants. It was the hardest thing I have ever done, but I had to leave him when we were done. I so wanted to grab him and take him back with me, but I couldn’t as he would just run again and run even further. On Monday, Nov 21st, he called me at 11:00 pm and asked if he could come home. I was so relieved and immediately said yes. He came home and we talked a little, but he really didn’t have much to say. The next morning he left for school and I didn’t hear from him again until Thanksgiving. This is when he showed up to get more clothes and wanted gas money to go see his dad. I told him no that I wasn’t giving him any money and that I was actually going to take the car back. Doodlebug and her mommy showed up then, he waited until I was talking to the baby and he took off again. I found him at my Mom’s house and we had it out over his irresponsibility and that he could not continue on this path. Then with the help of my family I took the car and stashed it away somewhere. My sister “D” then drove him to his Dad’s house (about 35 miles away). On Friday, his Dad was dumb enough to bring him back into the city and dropped him off here. My son sweet talked me and apologized for everything. The minute he found out that I didn’t have the car and that he couldn’t have it back, he stated “that’s it, I’m outta here”.

I then spoke to him again the next Tuesday. He had made a decision and decided he wanted to move to his grandparent’s house (about 45 miles away). Wed, his Grandpa picked him up around noon and by 5:00, he was calling me crying. He stated he was confused and didn’t know what he wants to do with his life. He begged me to come get him, so I hopped in my car and brought him home. We had a nice conversation and discussed a lot of things. He still wouldn’t tell me why he didn’t want to live at home, but did tell me he would like to try and live with my sister “D”. We talked to “D” and told him we would try to work it out for him. He stayed at home on Wed night. On Thursday, I spoke to him on my way home from work and he told me that he had spoken to Father at school and had gone to confession. He then told me he knew why he didn’t want to live at home. He can’t stand my husband as he is jealous of him and the fact that my DH took me away from him. I explained that I was not taken away from him, that he comes before my DH any day and that my DH knows that. I also explained that he actually gave me up, as he has gotten older and wants to be with his friends and not hang out with Mom much anymore. I also explained that this is normal and that I would always be here to help him and would love to do things with him whenever he would like. He then came home when I got home from work. When I got home, he helped me get ready for my candle party and then went to a friend’s house until the party was over. This morning, I asked him what he wanted to do. He said he would like to try living at home again. Tonight, I found out that he walked in one door and out another. Here it is 10:00 pm and he has not come home yet today and is out with some friends that I don’t know anything about.

Everyday has so many twists and turns that I just don’t know anymore and I am just living minute to minute. I may have failed as a Mom, but I’m not giving up yet.

Thank you for taking the time to read this long post. I will try to get back to my normal blogging and happier posts.

Pieces being sorted by KGrams at 12/02/2005 10:08:00 PM